Monday, July 6, 2015

Still


Three years ago today our little Levi was stillborn.  While my heart has healed considerably since then, I continue to feel the ache of that loss.

Photo by North Photography who volunteers as a part of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep
I appreciate this story, as it is similar, in many ways, to my experience.  She expresses much of what makes stillbirth so painful...

 "We spent about four hours with Alexander. I put my tears on his face, because I figured he’s absorbing a piece of me. It’s a very unique loss. You’ve never had the chance to see the baby laugh, cry or smile. All those what-ifs never get answered. His life was only defined by what he experienced through me."  Eleni Michailidis

 I will never forget how I felt being wheeled out of the hospital.  My body was sore.  My arms were empty.  My heart was broken.


Yes, it is painful still.  Sometimes overwhelmingly so.  I can't help but think about what this picture would look like with a 3 year old Levi in it.  But I also feel so grateful for all of the beautiful things in my life.  In many ways my life feels richer, more vibrant.  I'd like to think that this process of loss, pain, grief and healing is stretching my heart, giving it a greater capacity to hold not only the pain, but gratitude, love, compassion, and joy as well. (1)

(1) http://www.onbeing.org/blog/heartbreak-violence-and-hope-for-new-life/7476
  

2 comments:

onnuh said...

This is a beautiful tribute to your children--all of them.

Julie Groff said...

Thank you Heather for opening your heart and sharing your beautiful insight. It reminds me of the song by Hilary Weeks. "Beautiful Heartbreak." Love you!!